A British woman shared a traumatic experience involving the FabSwingers platform, one of the largest couples exchange sites in the United Kingdom. Ruth O’Grady reports experiencing abuse and profound psychological trauma after participating in more than a hundred sexual acts with strangers, facilitated by the portal, over the course of eighteen months. Her decision to make the story public, three years after the events, aims to warn other women about the hidden dangers.
O’Grady directs her outrage at both her ex-husband, Chris, and FabSwingers. She accuses the platform, a leader in the couples exchange segment in the United Kingdom, of having provided her then partner with a vast network of men to have relationships with her. The BBC reached out to Chris to comment on the allegations, but did not receive a response.
The practice of couple exchange, generally bilateral, can also occur unilaterally, with only one of the partners involved in sexual encounters. The repercussion of Ruth O’Grady’s case prompted the BBC to conduct an eight-month investigation, revealing that voluntary participation, often claimed, does not always correspond to reality. For O’Grady, FabSwingers acted as a mediator for the abuse he suffered.
In its defense, the FabSwingers platform, which claims to have 600,000 monthly active users, told the BBC that consent is the basis of all interactions. However, this claim contrasts with data from British police departments, which have recorded hundreds of police reports mentioning the site in recent crimes, raising serious questions about the effectiveness of their consent policies.
O’Grady’s experience, although different from the case of Frenchwoman Gisèle Pelicot – who fought for the public trial of her attackers – was inspired by the wide repercussion. The surprise and shock generated by Pelicot’s story motivated Ruth to voice her own complaint, realizing that her experience, although equally serious, did not arouse the same astonishment in her.
The beginning of the relationship and the worsening of psychological pressures
Ruth and Chris’ relationship, which began in Wales in 2008, was marked by constant insistence from her ex-husband that she become sexually involved with other men, proposals that O’Grady resisted. In 2021, during Ruth’s mental health crisis, Chris, acting as her caregiver, allegedly induced her to feel guilty about frustrated expectations in their life as a couple. During this period, he resumed his proposal to exchange couples, and after a long and gradual process of convincing, which lasted twelve years of living together, she finally gave in.
After the couple’s registration on FabSwingers, Ruth O’Grady expected to participate in meetings with other couples, but reality diverged into a one-sided dynamic. She found herself sexually involved with several men on the platform, often under the observation of Chris, who was also waiting nearby or absent. The locations varied, from her own home to vehicles and parking lots, and in situations where she was alone, the requirement was that she film the acts and send the images to her ex-husband.
As the months went by, Ruth O’Grady describes that her routine intensified to multiple weekly sexual encounters, reaching four encounters in a single day. Although at the time she showed apparent enthusiasm and even scheduled some of these meetings, today she reiterates that there was never a genuine desire on her part. She constantly communicated to her husband her desire to stop, expressing the fear and trauma that these experiences caused her. Despite some pauses, Chris resumed scheduling new meetings, and Ruth ended up giving in again.
The encounters left deep scars on Ruth O’Grady, who contracted sexually transmitted infections and became pregnant. During her recovery from a miscarriage, her ex-husband even arranged a new meeting for her to have oral sex. In these experiences, she noticed Chris’s complete indifference towards her pain and her body, feeling abused by all the men involved.
For O’Grady, at certain times, feigning enthusiasm and fulfilling the expected role was the easiest way to endure and speed up the end of meetings, overcoming resistance. She felt invisible, noticing that many men didn’t even look her in the eye, which made her feel as if she didn’t exist. Reflecting on the period, Ruth questions the consensual nature of any act, stating categorically: “No. I didn’t want to be there. I didn’t want to be [on the site] to begin with.”
After reporting the ex-husband, police conducted an investigation for coercive control and other infractions, but no formal charges were filed. During the process, WhatsApp messages from the couple were presented which, superficially, indicated Ruth O’Grady’s enthusiasm for the practice. Her experience highlights a fundamental question: how and why individuals can demonstrate apparent consent and even motivation for sexual acts, even when there is no genuine desire.
Expert views on complex consent
Experts in the field say that the issue of consent is intrinsically complex. Professor Nicola Gavey, from the University of Auckland, New Zealand, who has been researching unwanted sex since the 1980s, explains that it is quite common for individuals to appear to consent to sexual activities even without desire. She has heard several accounts that parallel O’Grady’s experience, emphasizing that pressure and manipulation can cover up a lack of genuine consent, and victims can take considerable time to process what actually occurred.
Testimonials from platform users suggest coercion
A FabSwingers user, identified as Martin (not his real name), agreed to an interview with the BBC reporting team. He, who had never met O’Grady, revealed that he had used the platform for years, resulting in around fifty sexual encounters, mostly with married women whose husbands wanted to observe.
Martin said he always tried to secure the consent of the women he met, but admitted that on occasions he felt something was wrong when he entered the rooms. He believes that more than half of the women he met on the platform didn’t actually want to participate. Martin’s testimony includes an instance in which he saw fear in a woman’s eyes when she was told that her husband was going to film her, leading him to emotionally confess: “I should have left. I should have reported it right away.” In another encounter, he saw a woman being coerced by her husband and another man. Asked if he felt he was raping someone, he replied “Yes”, stating that he believed in the woman’s consent up to that point.
In light of the revelations in the report, FabSwingers reiterated that its platform does not endorse, encourage or tolerate the premise that prior online discussions waive the need for explicit consent at the time of the meeting.
The FabSwingers platform and the numerous criminal complaints
Under Freedom of Information law, the BBC asked all 45 UK police forces for data on police reports mentioning the FabSwingers portal since the beginning of 2023. By the end of April 2024, 39 of these corporations had responded, with London’s Metropolitan Police, the largest in the country, not providing any information.
Police forces responding to the request identified 329 police reports citing FabSwingers, covering crimes such as rape, harassment, blackmail, stalking, assault and possession of extreme pornography, as well as other serious sexual offenses and controlling and coercive behavior. Although the mere mention of the platform’s name in the records does not make it directly responsible, the data reveals its recurring presence in investigations of a serious nature. Additionally, 26 individuals have been charged or cited in cases related to the site, with 23 of those still ongoing, indicating a concerning pattern of the platform’s involvement in criminal incidents.
The BBC did not extend its investigation to other British dating sites. While FabSwingers states that it prioritizes complaints about non-consensual activities, taking action and collaborating with the police when necessary, Ruth O’Grady expressed surprise at this statement. She reports having reported threats of violence and rape to the platform from men she met through the site, but, according to her testimony, no action was taken.
For Rachel Horman-Brown, an Honorary Royal Counsel and domestic abuse specialist in the United Kingdom, Ruth O’Grady’s story is not unusual. She has accompanied dozens of women who reported being coerced into participating in couple exchanges. Horman-Brown points out that abusive partners can exploit this practice, as the victim, feeling guilt, tends not to report it. Furthermore, the production of explicit videos and photos, common in these environments, becomes potential “ammunition”, exacerbating the person’s vulnerability.
Support groups for abuse survivors corroborate these patterns, receiving similar reports. Charlotte Eastop, supervisor of the national abuse helpline for the British organization Refuge, confirmed that she had heard testimonies from women forced to take part in couple exchanges. She notes that many victims do not identify or do not know how to describe the abuse they suffer, and expressed hope that Ruth O’Grady’s reporting may encourage and influence others to seek help.
The rescue of freedom and the journey of overcoming trauma
O’Grady reports that an episode of the dystopian series “Black Mirror,” which addressed sexual humiliation and degradation, was a turning point for her. When she saw her ex-husband find the content funny, she had an awakening and realized: “That’s what you think of me.” After more than eighteen months on the FabSwingers platform, she informed Chris of her decision to leave the site, but he continued to pressure her to meet other men or explore new sexual practices.
With the help of outside support, Ruth O’Grady was able to develop a plan to leave the relationship. She discreetly removed documents, clothes and money from the residence, ensuring a safe place to shelter. In 2023, Ruth finally separated from her ex-husband and has since had no contact with him. However, she still deals with deep emotional upheavals and intense nervousness around men, to the point where everyday acts like taking a shower trigger memories of her preparations for dates on FabSwingers.
When asked about the reasons for making her story public, Ruth O’Grady expresses that her main objective is to impact other women. For her, if at least one person identifies with their experience and recognizes that they are in a situation they don’t want, their effort will have been worth it.